The Inarticulate Premise

There is something about expression which brings finality to word.
Fluidity hardens as the ink dries on page;
And control passes once scanned by eyes or slotted in ears.
These words aren’t yours anymore; they belong to them now.

And so the fear blankets over this assemblage of words
Contemplation of unclothing parts, to be shared for what they are worth.
But there is hesitation.
What if my sequence of words color me in ways unthought of?
As if my diction restricts the truth of my complexity.

So here I sit, each word perched on its nuanced interpretation;
Understood differently by those who meet it.
(Un)known data points creating stories through interpolation,
Punctuated by breath, insecurity and imagination sparked by silence.
How audacious to believe I could capture its intricacies;
Fear that you believe me the same.

And as I swell with words which once swam in possibility.
Words that are now robbed of movement, stifled.
Because those that should have been released are imprisoned by fear of inarticulation;
Overcrowding what little is left of coherency.
I reach this point of delirium and I choose expression:
For being silenced is a greater injustice than being misunderstood. 

 

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Mountains don’t get as much glory as the sea

Mountains don’t get as much glory as the sea.
Yet, you are sturdy and resolved
Not wavering and uncertain like the waters.
Your presence is always felt; your shadows calm me in its imposition.
Not like the sea, demanding respect and instilling fear.

Sometimes I’m frightened by how high I have to climb,
It is more comfortable floating on the surface,
But once on top of you, I am only reminded of how far I’ve come.
Things are lighter up there.
The sea can only push me down into its dark pressures,
Crushing my lungs.

I will never drown in your being;
I may fall, but even then I’ll be at your feet.
Your tantrums are infrequent,
Unlike the constant ebbs and flows of the sea,
Even in the quiet of the night.

You may not cradle me like the waters;
You may not be malleable enough to slip through fingers;
You may not wash over me;
But you are always there when I need you.

Mountains don’t get as much glory as the sea.

To the man in the blue blanket

If it were any other day I would not have paid attention to you.
At best, you would have been a blip out the corner of my eye.
But today was different.

Standing on that street ledge you demanded no attention,
Your action was not laudable, it was anticipated.
And yet, it was an action unfulfilled.

Confusion holds me – it could have been done
You gave no reason for its incompletion,
It wasn’t your intention.

For four hours I stared at you
Unmoving in your position
We turned cold for the same reason, you more lasting.

In life you would have been forgettable
In death you became a spectacle.

Stable Contradictions

Memories etched in falsehood, 
Happiness fraudulently expressed in the pulses of our veins.
Yet the sensation keeps us alive.
Gone are the attractions, 
But the repulsion is fortified in our togetherness
Stay. 

Curvatures curated by the fable of hope,
Only thin veils wrap the warmth of solitude.
Yet coldness does not return.
Gone are the joys,
But the anger is at bay from our fortress
Stay

Delicately birthed through concrete glass,
Sharp cuts taste sweet.
Yet engulfed in your freedom is stifled.
Gone are the frames of the mirrors, 
But the reflections tell stories bold, 
Stay

Outside views sun shines so pretty,
Harp strings play keys to the beat, 
Damaged clay is my surroundings.
Gone is the laughter to complete.

I don’t want to see your face around here, 
Go

Wrote this as a free write listening to Esthero – Gone
https://soundcloud.com/esthero/12-gone

Endless Summer

Let me let you in on a little secret
I am in love with love
A hopeless romantic and romantically hopeless
I have a lot of heart-shaped messages
placed with a kiss in a bottle of eternity
left to float in the sea of you
Me, you, who?
Sorry, the bottles remain in hand
’cause people hurt
and I fear
and my bruises are slow to heal
But in the lost of it all
I wish you an endless summer

This is what happens when I spend 10hrs in a plane, conceived watching (500) Days of Summer, birthed waiting for my plane to taxi to its gate

Unbearable

I wish I were more comfortable with expressing my feelings
‘cause I will tell you that I appreciate you.
Not in a nonchalant, hey you exist kind of way, but in a
I am extremely grateful to have met you and have you in my life
I appreciate that you listen to me, help me, and more importantly
I appreciated that you get angry at me; it means you care.
Life’s beauty is to know people care about you,
And my greatest reward is to be able to care for you
I, like you, don’t want to see you suffer,
I hope for bright days filled with joy
I know that this will not always be the case
But I selfishly pray that I can make the journey more bearable
And I selflessly pray that you are able to do so without me
Reflecting on days past, I hope your only regrets
Are the laugh lines and crow eyes on your face
An indication of a life well smiled
I Thank God for your being, and in our conversations I thank him for sharing you with me
I thank you for sharing with me
I am a loose fitted, gaping hole sweater without you
My life is interwoven with your am
Thank you for crocheting the missing parts and keeping me warm
What I am trying to say is, and I don’t say it often enough is
I love you
Genuinely

RIP Karabelo “Bear” Suping

If I Knew You Then

If I knew you then
Would I change anything about your existence?
Would I treat you like a princess?
Give you more hugs and kisses, tell you I loved you every day?
Would you want me to tell you you’re beautiful?
I’m not going to lie, you’re pretty darn cute!
Would I feed you fairytales and dress you up in pretty tutus
Or allow you to dig for worms and get dirt under your nails?
If you fell, would I kiss your booboo and cradle you
Or tell you to walk it off?
How would I speak to you? Ask you about our day
Or let your imagination run wild with convoluted stories only you would know
What would you read? How would I encourage you to learn
Would I bask in your ability to count your pennies
Or encourage you to write better?
Would I force play dates, send you off for sleep overs?
Would I have allowed you to give away your favorite doll
Even though she lost her home?
And what about that root beer you were so afraid of, or the gum in your hair?
Would I shelter you from harm
Or lie to you and tell you every experience builds character?
How would I prepare you for the next 21 years of your life?
What would you have been like, if I had known you then?

Image

Distance

It Hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to…why is that?”

You used to take the top spot

Now you drift to the bottom, I have to scroll to see your name

I knew not talking to you would be the hardest part

It was the simple things really, like the good morning texts

And the 1AM messages ‘cause you fell asleep while talking to me

I’ll admit I check past messages and my heart pangs when you’re online

Wishing for acknowledgement

But pride won’t let me say hello

I guess the unknown hurts less than the temporary existence

There have been instances where you would be the perfect person to call

My dial tone remains silent

I’ll be okay with not having your company soon

The idea of that sucks right now

Goodbyes have never been easy for me

Especially when distance isn’t the factor

My Uncle’s Suit

My Uncle’s suit is blueish gray
My Uncle’s suit brings joy and pain
My Uncle’s suit wed his son
My Uncle’s suit buried his mother’s son

Can I Get To Know You?

I am not asking to love you, I would like to get to know you
Not a game of 21 questions, but a chance to provoke reflection
You see, I want to undress your words, hear you raw
I might hide behind a “what makes your eyes flicker”
But what I really want to do is go between the between the lines
Can I get to know you?

I want to know you well enough to get hurt by you
like I want to hold you on a pedestal that your poor choices grip my heart
I want to believe in your capabilities so bad that they consume me
like our connection is thread by a common knowledge
I want to know your aspirations, can we work together?
Can I get to know you?

I am flawed and stumble towards my perfections
I got potential but don’t always have the motivation
I won’t promise you protection, nor support your every decision
But I will listen to your thoughts and play in your dreams
I want to  understand what it means to say I love you
Do you trust me enough to get to know you?